


i think you think too much of me

by portlqnd



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Friends With Benefits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 16:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11901168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/portlqnd/pseuds/portlqnd
Summary: this isn't love, she tell herself. it's just sex and attention. it's moments of her filling her heart with someone else so she's doesn't feel as lonely. it's watching someone else glow and being happy for them. it's moments that separate her from her own struggles into something happier despite the circumstances. this isn't love she tells herself, but it sure the fuck feels like it.





	i think you think too much of me

**Author's Note:**

> edits are always being made so excuse me for that
> 
> -
> 
> break my heart then smoke a cig

 

“We can’t keep doing this you know?”

 

 _I can't keep doing this_ , is what Tobin means.

 

Christen lets out a hum of acknowledgement as she watches the cityscape past in the window of the car. A small smirk plays across her face as she runs her hand up and down Tobin’s thigh. Her fingernails lightly scratch towards the inside of Tobin’s thighs and Tobin does all she can to suppress a groan.

 

Turning her head, Christen leans over towards the brown-eyed girl, her lips dangerously close to her ear, “Yet... you keep coming back for more.”

 

She nibbles softly at Tobin’s ear as she leans back into her seat, her smirk growing into a cheeky smile, her hand continuing its path along Tobin’s thigh.

Shocked, Tobin rotates to face the girl, her mouth open ready to retaliate and explain herself, but no words come out as she stops herself from explaining the truth.

 

She doesn’t explain to Christen that she’s feels all alone when she’s surround with an amazing group of friends. She doesn’t explain to her that she loves everyone of _their_ moments. Moments that make her feel a little less lonely, a little more happy whether spent in class, at starbucks, or tangled in her bedsheets. She’s doesn’t explain why the intimacy they share is the closest thing she’s had to love in a while. She doesn’t explain to her that she’s may or may not be in love. She doesn’t give Christen the reason she keeps coming back

 

She instead, gives Christen the reason she stills has hope in having more with than friends with benefits “You do too.”

 

Christen’s hand falters and pulls away from Tobin’s thigh.  

 

The remainder of the ride is rode in silence.

-

 

Tobin grunts as Christen aggressively pushes her into her apartment door. Pressing herself further into Tobin, Christen hastily attempts to open the door, her hands fumbling and slipping as Tobin nips at her neck. A faint _click_ rings through her ears as she shoves Tobin into the apartment, retaliating Tobin’s nips with a breathtaking kiss.

 

She clutches onto Tobin’s shirt, with both hands, guiding the girl through the outline of her apartment and into the bedroom. Tobin let’s herself be guided into the familiar place, occupied with the feeling of Christen’s soft, plumped lips on her own. She’s gently pushed onto the edge of the queen size bed as hands come to nudge at her shoulders, signaling her to lay down.

 

She complies. The grey-green eyed girl hovers above Tobin settling in between the girl’s legs, her eyes tracing the curves of the girl’s body. Tobin feels like prey under her hungry gaze and let’s the girl have whatever moment she’s experiencing. Christen snaps out of her trance and slips her hands under Tobin’s shirt. She urges the brown-eyed girl to lift her arms to slip off the garment, to which she complies, revealing a simple sports bra.  

 

Leaning down, flushed with Tobin’s chest, Christen whispers into the compliant girl’s ear, “You’re so _fucking_ hot,” before dipping her head into the crook of the girl’s neck, dragging her lips up Tobin’s collarbone before tracing her prominent jawline.

 

Tobin lets out a soft moan which spurs Christen to continue her actions. Busied with Tobin’s neck, Tobin begins to fumble with the end the girl’s shirt. She lets her hands run up and down the smooth expanse of skin under the cloth. Moving to the girl’s back, she drags her fingernails down her back, drawing a moan from Christen.

 

Tobin focuses on pulling the shirt off the girl, dragging it upward with the next pass of her hands. She slides the shirt up until Christen sits up finishing the job herself, abiding to Tobin's silent request. Going one step further, Christen unclips her bra letting it drop to the floor. On the other hand, the shirt is flinged across the room, and quiet giggles fill the room.

 

The small interruption quietly dies, leaving Christen's small, ample breast  and abdominal muscles for Tobin to gawk at. Hooking her legs around the half-naked girl, Tobin pulls her down, hooking her arms around her neck, until her chest is pressed into Tobin's lips. Tobin leaves a kiss just above her heart and kisses her way across the expanse of Christen's chest, occasionally sucking and biting.

 

“You're just so... beautiful. God, I wish I could worship your body everyday.” Tobin mumbles as she continues her pecks to Christen's breast,

“I just love you s-,”

 

They freeze. Tobin halting her actions, tilting her head to look into frazzled green eyes. Christen's tenses up along with Tobin, an eerie silence surrounding them. Tobin knows she broke a rule, and probably the most important one.

 

“What did you just say?” Christen asks, her voice laced with panic.

 

Tobin swallows, her throat goes dry as she prays Christen will let it go. “Nothing! I said nothing,” she rushes out, “Can’t we just continue what we were doing?”

 

“No you said something!” She pushes for an answer, her hands desperately grabbing at Tobin’s bare shoulders as she roughly shakes the girl into the bed, "What did you say!?”

 

Tobin rapidly shakes her head, refusing to crack under Christen’s pressure. This only spurs on Christen to continue to shake the girl. “Tell me!”

 

Tobin shakes her head solemnly, refusing to let the girl know what she said. Unsatisfied with Tobin’s response, Christen roughly pushes at her shoulders, forcing Tobin further into the bed and propelling herself upward. She paces the room frantically, and rummages through the organized dressers in search for an item.

 

Sitting up, Tobin watches the half-naked girl tear apart the room in search for something. Clothes fly out of the, once, organized dresser and papers fly through the air as Christen tears apart her room. She slips on a shirt, her breathing patterns uneven as she rummages through her work desk, pulling out a lighter from under a binder. Stopping her wrath, Christen’s eyes flicker around the messy room, seeking for what she desires, before landing on the nightstand.

 

Approaching the bedside, she yanks open the drawer pulling out an open pack of cigarettes. Quickly pulling one out, her hands fumble with the lighter as the cigarette is placed into the corner of her mouth. She cups the flame, carefully moving the flame to light the cigarette. She gently inhales before removing the cigarette from her mouth. Her lips part, releasing an opaque white smoke, scented with cherry blossoms into the small bedroom.

 

Moving back towards Tobin, the smoker crouches down next to the girl, her eyes focused on the floor. Her hand rests on Tobin’s knee while the other dangles freely holding the stick. “Tobin, What did you say?” She demands.

 

Christen glances up and into Tobin’s eyes. Her grey eyes hold a gentleness that counter her actions and Tobin can’t but help get lost into them for maybe just one last time. Swallowing her pride, Tobin breathes out, “I love you,”

 

“You said what?”  Christen asks, her voice softening.

 

“I love you so much…”

 

Christren lets out a shaky sigh, taking another drag from the cigarette. She sits back onto the floor, her head hung low. She pulls her knees up to her chest, hands resting on top of her wavy hair. “You weren’t suppose to fall in love…it was all just suppose to be sex. We agreed to it,”

 

“No, you agreed to it,” Tobin quietly replies.

 

“Then what did you agree to?” Christen grumbles out.

 

“I agreed to be with you,”

 

Christen lets out a throaty chuckle that slowly evolves into quiet sobs, “Of course! Big Heart Tobin loves me! Me!” Christen sniffles out, “It was just suppose to be sex nothing more,”

 

Quickly moving from her place on the bed, Tobin grabs Christen and pulls the tearful girl into her arms. Her own eyes prick with tears, but ignores the threat in her eyes as she wipes away the one’s coming out of the green-eyed girl. Smiling, Tobin gently strokes the crying girl’s hair, moving it from her face, “Of course I know that, but I love you.”

 

Christen vehemently shakes her head in denial and Tobin’s heartbreaks, “Go love someone else, Tobin,” She declares.

 

Smiling sadly at Christen, Tobin just shakes her head, also in denial. “I love _you_.”

 

“It all meant nothing, Tobin. You should’ve kept your silence. Go love someone else!” Christen demands. Breaking away from Tobin’s embrace, she wildly paces her room. The cigarette still hangs between her index and middle finger, which hastily moves to her lips as she takes another drag.

 

“But I love you! I don’t want to love anyone else but you,”  Tobin admits, her voice quiet as her own eyes prick with tears. She can feel her heartbreaking as Christen rejects her. She remains planted in the center of the room while Christen finally takes the cigarette outside onto the balcony.

 

The crumbling girl shakes her head, taking a slow drag before tilting her head back, releasing a cloud of smoke. She stares out into the quiet night, her voice echoing throughout the city “But what’s there of me to love?”

 

“There’s a whole lot of you to love! I love your kindness and work ethic! I love your drive to always be better! I love how funny and smart even if you don’t realize it! I love your charm and confidence! I love you! ” Tobin exclaims, her chest rapidly rising for the much needed air after her rant. She moves closer to door to balcony door, leaning against the door frame.

 

“You’re the one I want,”

 

“But I’m not what you need,” Christen whispers, turning around looking into chocolate eyes , “I may be what you want...but I’m not what you need!”

 

“Tobin...you should leave,” Christen directs pointing towards the door, the cigarette in her hand dangles between her fingers. “We’ll talk about it. Okay?”

 

Tobin doesn’t immediately move, her legs remain locked in place as she takes in the information.

 

“Okay?” Christen whispers.

 

Breaking out of her trance Tobin responds, “Okay...I’ll call an uber and I’ll be out of your hair,” she mumbles out, scratching the back of her neck. Walking up behind the girl, despite being shirtless, she reaches out to grab onto the girl’s shoulder. She softly tugs on her until the smoking girl turns around.

 

“Can I still kiss you goodnight?”

 

“Yeah,”

 

Tobin gives Christen a soft peck on the lips, a strong taste of the sweet smoke lingers on her lips and the faint taste of alcohol. Tobin saviors this moment, prolonging the kiss, as it may be her last. She tries to etch the taste and curve of Christen’s lips into her brain forever. She backs away leaving the light-skinned girl to her own devices.

 

“Goodnight Christen,”

 

“Goodbye Tobin,”

 

Tobin picks up her shirt off the ground, and gathers her wallet and phone. Calling an uber, Tobin makes her way down the steps of the three story apartment building. Outside under the shining stars, Tobin glances up, squinting at the white specs in the black sky. She turns to a much closer star, who remains out on the balcony smoking. A honk startles her as she glances one last time towards the girl distorted by an opaque white smoke, hidden away in her own cloud.

 

Tobin waves to the girl above her, receiving a small smile in return. She enters the uber, leaving the apartment complex, the girl, and her heart behind.

 

.,.

 

CHRISTEN

iMESSAGE

3.50 AM

 

move on.

forget whatever we had.

forget me.

 

.,.

 

CHRISTEN

iMESSAGE

4.36 AM

 

forget us.

 

.,.

 

TOBIN

iMESSAGE

4.38AM

(draft)

 

i don’t know how to forget you.

 

.,.

 

TOBIN

iMESSAGE

4.40AM

(draft)

 

keep my heart then, i don't want it back.

 

.,.

 

TOBINi

iMESSAGE

5.02AM

(sent)

 

okay.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> portlqnd.tumblr.com  
> -  
> feedback is always appreciated.


End file.
